By PAULENE POPARAD

If a person is being physically or emotionally abused, they often can avoid their abuser on a daily basis.

But not if they attend the same school.

Officials say teenage/dating violence -- sexual harassment, shoving, slapping, unwanted sexual contact, controlling activity and even teen rape -- is on the rise. Forms of dating violence are even occurring in our middle schools.

Young girls, and boys, too, need to know the warning signs of an abusive relationship, said Michelle Hardlannert, teen outreach coordinator at The Caring Place, which provides services and shelter for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.

Hardlannert said when she visits local schools, “I see these girls being hung on (by boys) and their body parts being grabbed, and they’re laughing.” But when that body contact is unwelcome, “It’s important to teach and empower our children to stand up for themselves.”

Easier said than done if you’re a teenager, sensitive to peer pressure, fearing they’ll be labeled a “lesbian” or “fag” if they just say no to physical intimacy with the opposite sex.

Dating violence is an equal-opportunity abuse, said Hardlannert.

Boys don’t realize that being dominated by a girl as a possession, not a person, is a form of abuse, often the tip of the iceberg that can snowball into an even more physically and emotionally inappropriate relationship. Boys who allow this to occur often have deeper problems that are manifesting themselves in passive behavior, said Hardlannert.

When she was a teen, Hardlannert said she found her dream boyfriend. “I thought the guy was my life.” Older and experienced, he drove a convertible. He also was very controlling: making her account for her whereabouts, picking her prom date, arranging her transportation to and from work, eventually punching walls in anger.

Hardlannert said she knew it wasn’t long before he’d be punching her; she broke it off.

Just as in her case, said Hardlannert, the abuser usually will try to isolate the victim from the very parents, friends and responsible adults who could intervene and provide a support network to break the cycle of abuse. But they can’t do that if they don’t know it’s occurring -- especially if the victim doesn’t know (or admit) she/he is being abused.

Dating violence begins in subtle ways, said Hardlannert, and it’s always forms of emotional abuse, which lower the victim’s self-esteem. “Intimidation can be a look. Just because you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t give up on who you are.”

Are you afraid to disagree? Do you justify everything you do to avoid your boyfriend/girlfriend’s anger? Does your boyfriend/girlfriend insult you, call you names, then tell you he/she loves you? Can you make decisions in the relationship? Are you always apologizing to avoid a confrontation or from being hit, slapped, kicked or shoved? Are you followed or phoned to make sure you are where you say you’ll be? Are you forced to have sex when you really don’t want to?

Hardlannert said teens need to be aware of phrases and actions that mean “no,” even if the word itself is never spoken. Date rape is still rape; it’s a violent crime, even if one knows the other person and are out on a date.

Teens need to set physical limits and defend them in a dating relationship, and their partner needs to respect those limits, said Hardlannert. Hearing phrases like, “It’s getting late” “I’m not ready for this” “I’m scared” “I need to go home” or “I know we’ve done this before but I don’t want to now” means a limit is reached and that line shouldn’t be crossed.

Body language also speaks loudly. If a person is cringing, moving away or reluctant to go into a vehicle or room with a date, the translation should be very clear, said Hardlannert.

Today’s teens, both male and female, also need to be aware of the possibility they can ingest a powerful “date-rape” drug and not even know it. GHB... Roofies... Special ‘K’... Ectasy... Colorless, odorless, and able to impair your mental and motor functions with an amnesia chaser.

Hardlannert recommends using a buddy system at parties. “Know where your friends are. You all come together and you leave together.” While at the party, don’t accept prepared drinks, don’t leave your drink unattended, and drink only from unopened bottles and cans.

She also advised being very wary about talking to or meeting people in person with whom you’ve “chatted” on the Internet.

Hardlannert said teenage violence can be perpetrated on total strangers in the form of sexual harassment.

Unwelcome sexual comments, gestures, jokes, looks, behavior and spreading sexual rumors is against the law. You’re not just a boor; you’re a criminal. Even if no harassment was intended, the abuser should consider that another person may be offended or feel uncomfortable, and what the consequences of his/her harassing actions might be.

Harassment cuts many ways, said Hardlannert. In addition to student-to-student, it can be teacher-to-student or even student-to-teacher. The test for whether a comment is acceptable is whether you’d want your mother to hear it, or whether you’d want someone to say it to your sister or brother.

Teens being victimized through harassment or an abusive relationship are ashamed and embarrassed, frustrated that they’ve faltered in their first steps toward becoming independent adults, yet they lack legal options without parental consent. Victims don’t want to share how powerless they feel, yet the warning signs are often there, said Hardlannert.

Signs of physical injury; social isolation; truancy, failing, dropping out of school; difficulty making decisions; sudden changes in mood or personality; use of alcohol or drugs; pregnancy; and overreacting to minor incidents.

The abuser -- who needs help as much as the victim -- also displays behavior that should signal danger ahead. Alcohol or drug use; causes injury to pets; being possessive, harassing or making threats; stalking; suicide attempts; public displays of anger; pressuring dates for sex; and fighting with others over their boyfriend/girlfriend.

No one deserves to be victimized, said Hardlannert. “I don’t care if the girl is wearing the shortest miniskirt or the lowest-cut top.” Boys need to know girls aren’t just playing “hard to get,” and girls need to know sexual violence isn’t about sex but about power.

According to The Caring Place, 54 percent of sexual assaults occur on dates.

“We’re seeing so many more violent kids out there,” said Hardlannert. “Violence among teens is increasing tremendously. I don’t think there’s any too-young age to be educated about violence.”

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BILL OF RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP

To express your opinions and have them respected

To have your needs be as important as your partner's

To grow as an individual in your own way

To change your mind

To not take responsibility for your partner's behavior

To not be physically, emotionally or sexually abused

To fall out of love and break up without being threatened

Courtesy of The Caring Place

24-hour Crisis Line:

464-2128 or 800-933-0466